Friday, November 12, 2010

Hit a Wall

I hit a wall last night.
What am I doing? 
Do I really want a house for kids, with all these problems, who aren’t even my kids?
The children I met in India were rescued before the brothels. I thought, "I could be a mom for them." But what about kids who have really been hurt? Could I be a mom to them? . . .

Yesterday morning, for the first time, I began praying for the LORD to bring my kids, wherever they are.

Then I attended an orphan/foster advocacy meeting in Indianapolis, to get the word out about a national adoption conference coming this spring to Louisville, KY. While there, I handed out business cards to share the dream & network with people. The cards were just printed last night, in time to be sent to the Love146 anti-trafficking conference going on this weekend. A little fear edged in then ~ Do I really want word to get out about my dream? What if I find out I really don't want to do this?

A lady from Grace Community Church's Orphan Care ministry, Suzy, prayed for me, "God, please protect Ericka from emotional attacks and discouragement as she moves forward to pursue this dream you've place in her heart." Interesting. I hadn't thought to pray for that before. 

I left to babysit for one of my favorite families. Even though I love these kids, one of them was really whiney and I thought, "Could I really be a mom, with enough love for kids who aren't 'mine', and be  committed for life?" Eek. Especially if the kids I want have loads of problems.

It shook me. What am I doing?

Then I thought about my world trip. It got hard at times, and I wanted to go home.
But God got me through the whole thing, and I ended up loving it, even though parts were really tough.
So, can I trust that God will lead me (has to lead me) through this one, too?
The stakes just seem a lot higher.
But I have to remember, God cares for those kids, and wants them to be healed, restored, and set free.
If I can be part of that – through house/family – God, help me.

I just don’t want to get trapped, if it’s not really what I want to do.
I think too, as I spread the word, it makes me more scared, people are going to expect things of me that maybe I can’t or won’t want to deliver. They’ll somehow force me (or their expectations will force me)
to be locked into something and I will be unable to get out/change/move/and I’ll be stuck/locked in.

Having a house for kids – is a huge commitment.

But isn’t that the dream in my heart? Isn’t that what I said I wanted, if I could do anything in the world?

I felt depressed, down, yuck. What am I doing? I've got to get out now, before it's too late. 

Then my friend, Heidi, called today. The same one who God used to give me the fall wardrobe.
She had something she wanted to tell me, but didn't want to say it over the phone. That's annoying. I don't have time for a visit. I just took a 4 hr nap, b/c I'm depressed, and now I have to write, because I'm behind, and Heidi wants me to come over for a chat. 

I mentioned I wasn't feeling great. She said, "I know, I could tell from your voice. So that's why I think you should come over and I can pray for you. You can't write very well when you're not feeling well, anyway. I'm really excited and I want to encourage you."

The way I'm feeling, I don't think I can be encouraged. But maybe she's right . . . 

"Ok, Heidi, I'll come over," I say.

I drive over to her house and I'm crying. God, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want. 

Heidi and I go for a walk at my favorite Eagle Creek Park. The sun sets over the barren trees near a lake. Canadian geese fly overhead in the twilight with the moon out. Heidi asks if she can pray for me. I say yes and start crying again.

Snippets from her prayer:
*Seasons are required for growth, and even though fall and winter are dying times, they are necessary for spring.
*Thank you for Ericka, for her life, and what she does, but let her know your love for her is not because of doing anything, it's because she is your daughter. Remind her of your Father's love for her.
*A team will be really necessary. You can't do it alone. You need others. They will have strengths you don't have, and you will bring in your own unique giftings.
*Do you think it's your team or God's team? God will assemble, he will equip, he will assign, he will do it all. So you don't need to be pressured or worried. It's his Dream Team not yours.
*Call things what they are. Don't give 'selfishness' the name of spirited independence, if you don't want to be committed or don't want to work with others.
*Talk to him about all of this. He will help you understand or sort out things. He will show you where these fears are coming from & how to be free of them.
*The way you're feeling down/depressed/worried/fearful - that's an attack from the enemy. He doesn't want the word to get out about your dream this weekend. So it makes sense you have these depressing feelings and fear would hit today. But it also makes you desperate for God & know you need him.

After getting home from Heidi's, I feel a lot better. God is my good leader. He knows what He's doing and He knows what I'm doing. He loves me. He's guiding the way. He will make a way where there is none. He will provide, protect, deliver, encourage, strengthen, all for his glory.

I'm re-energized about the dream. These are his 'lost ones' and he wants them home.
I know God will lead triumphantly.
He already is.

It was crazy, how down and yucky I felt. In the middle of it, the discouragement felt so 'reality'. But after the prayer time, it lifted, so I knew it was an attack from the enemy. Hmmmm. God, please help me recognize. But thank you for friends and family who recognize the attack when I don't, who stand and pray for me, who are your presence & arms around me, who represent you. Thank you for your Spirit who directs it all. 

Bless whoever reads this post. May you encourage them by your Mighty right hand. May they know that nothing is impossible for God. May hope refills and refresh them today. Bless the work of their hands and the dreams in their hearts. Sing sweetly over them tonight. Through your Son's powerful name, I pray, Amen. 


  1. Ericka! Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so grateful to hear about your friend Heidi and her discernment in your life. It is often so hard to see the attacks from the enemy on your own life - but an outsider can recognize it with ease. That is one of the many advantages of community - how God planned it :)

    Thank you for your prayer at the end of your blog. I am very much looking forward to listening to Papa singing sweet songs over me while I sleep tonight :)

  2. Logan,
    Thanks, dear. Words of a friend are sweet.
    Thank you, God, for each person you have placed in my life. Thank you for how you teach me through them. Thank you for your grace that blesses us today and gives us hope for every moment. Help us to find rest and trust and peace in you, and in your presence. Thank you for your mercies that are new every morning.
    Bless Logan today with strength and energy for her work. Give her special time for painting. Speak wonderful words to her today. Thank you for her life. Thank you for giving her new life through your Son. Thank you, Jesus, for what you did for all of us! We love you. We bless your great name. Give Logan a hug today, Father.
    Thank you for how you've used her life and words so much to encourage me. Thank you that she's my sister, friend, and teammate, for eternity! :)